Back to Square one

‘Back to square one.’

I feel like this has been my default for the last three years (and in some cases longer).

Almost three years ago my life fell apart. I know, I know, super dramatic. But there was a time when I had a plan; I expected a lot of myself, and so did everyone else. And then after many years of knowing where I was going and how I was going to achieve it, it all exploded in my face and I was left in a blank world with no direction.

One would then think that after all that time I would have dusted myself off and started working towards something new…but no, that’s not what happened, not even close. That competent person died, and left an empty shell of a person to continue on. Now, I have had my fair share of crap in life that has impacted me (blogs for another time), but this particular incident broke me to my core, and I have never been able to put myself back together again.

That’s why, as I watch everyone around me moving forward in life more of me crumbles off. Though don’t get me wrong, I am happy for these people. I just feel they are all moving to the ‘adult table’ at family gatherings, and I’m stuck at the ‘child table’. It’s so utterly frustrating. That’s why I feel more and more dread as I find that nothing fits me, I can’t find a job or a place in life where I will actually be able to start being a giving member of society.

‘You’re young,’ ‘there’s plenty of time to figure things out, don’t worry.’ I’ve heard every version of these from well meaning people. But is 25 so young? Let’s be real, no. My shit should be more together than what it is. Even a glimmer that it’s changing. But it’s not.

I want to be useful, I want to feel completed; it’s getting further and further away with every passing second and I can’t catch a break to change it. I’m screaming. Why did it have to turn out this way? Why can’t I change it.

I don’t want kids, never have. But my career was going to be like my kid. But now that I can’t get it, it’s like being told I’m unable to get pregnant or adopt when being a mother is all I wanted in life. That’s what not having a career is like for me. Many of you might not like that comparison, but that’s how it is. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand who I’ve become.

I understand this post is jumbled. And there are more I need to make to explain more so the story is clear. But I had to get it out, to start sharing. Because even after all this time, and I tell people how the sting has lessoned and I’m moving on, it hasnt.

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