180°

It’s funny–in a sad kind of way–I find myself at the little Park in Lincoln, CA again, where a mere few weeks ago I sat at a bench so excited and hopeful for the future. In fact, I was finding myself feeling confident in myself (something I haven’t felt for years, and will be explained in another blog post).

And then I went on a trip back home. MISTAKE.

I should have known. But with my delusional confidence I thought I could project that to family and friends back home so that I could finally start moving forward; finally heal.

Instead, I set myself up for disappointment.

The trip started off great. And my positive mindset was reaching those that I needed it to so that they could understand where I was moving forward with myself. And then it all fell apart. Maybe it was because I really felt like positive change was happening and that’s why it hit me so hard. Also it reaffirmed some of my deepest fears. It sucked. It still sucks.

Because now, no matter how hard I try to put what happened to the side, accept nothing will change, and continue to move forward, I can’t.

180° that’s what I’ve done. I’m tired of it. I want to believe I’m more than how I see myself. But when I get in this mindset I can’t look at myself that way, I can’t have hope things will change and get better.

But in all that, I am going to try and stick to the ideas I had before the trip so that hopefully they can move me forward when I find myself enjoying then. This blog is one of those things.

I know my writting is scattered. But as I said in my first post that’s how my head is: scsttered. So the theory is, the more I write, the better I can sort out my thoughts and improve the flow of my writing.